Je vais parler en français. Déjà merci pour ce que les moines, les nonnes et vous-même vous faites pour nous avec autant de simplicité. Et j'ai entendu dans vos enseignements très souvent la nécessité de respecter et d'aimer ses propres parents. Et donc, encore faut-il qu'il y ait eu l'espace pour que cet amour se développe. Et je voulais savoir donc vis-à-vis d'un parent maltraitant, que ce soit sur le plan psychologique ou physique, est-ce que le fait d'essayer de développer à son égard une forme de compassion, d'amour et de compréhension, est-ce que cela ne risque-t-il pas d'entretenir la relation maltraitante dans une forme de sado-masochisme qui s'est mis en place du fait de la relation elle-même ? Et est-ce que la qualité de compassion que vous nous incitez à avoir vis-à-vis de cette personne n'est-elle pas un peu trop hors de portée de notre capacité ? Voilà, c'était ma question.

Dear Thay, dear Sangha. Our friend said first, thank you to Thay and to the monks and nuns for what you do for us. And her question concerns the teachings on the need to respect and love our own parents. And she brought up the example of a parent that has been abusive, either physically or psychologically. Can it be that trying to develop compassion and love and understanding for that person brings the risk of continuing the abusive relationship in a kind of masochistic way? And also she asks, for us to develop compassion towards such a person, is it really asking too much?

I think we have to see that we are the continuation of our parents. Genetically speaking and in other aspects also. And it is possible that we have the same kind of tendency, the same kind of habit in us. And we risk to deal and to treat our children very much the same way that our parents have treated us. Because we are a continuation of our parents.

And looking deeply, we may see that that way of treating our children may have originated a long time ago. That has begun a long time ago with other ancestors. So our parents, if they have treated us like that, it may be that they have inherited that kind of manner, that kind of behavior from their ancestors. And they may have been victims of transmission.

Even if they don't like to treat their children like that, they treat them like that anyway because that habit may be stronger than themselves. So the moment when you see that your parents may have been victims of that transmission, compassion can already arise in yourself and you suffer less.

It may be that if our parents have behaved like that, it is because they have received that kind of tendency, habit from their own parents. And because they don't know how to transform it, that is why they have done like their parents have done. And in our turn, if we don't know how to practice and transform that, we will do it to our children because we can be victims of transmission also, negative transmission.

So with that kind of insight, understanding arises in us. We can see that both our parents and ourselves may have been victims of that kind of negative transmission. And with that kind of insight, we already suffer less. We don't blame anymore. And if we suffer less, the situation begins to change.

If we can change that habit, if we can transform that habit, we will not transmit it to our children anymore and our children will be free from that tendency. So first of all, look deeply to see that if our parents behave like that, maybe because they are victims of transmission. And since they have not encountered the Dharma, no one has helped them, that is why they have mistreated, they have abused their children.

And in our turn, if we don't practice, if we don't have a chance, we may repeat the same kind of patterns. And we transmit that pattern to our children. And that is a long continuation called saṃsāra, the vicious circle. So that kind of insight can already help us to suffer less.

And then, when we are able to transform that in ourselves, we become fresh, we become compassionate, we become tolerant, and we are in a better position to help our parents to transform. The transformation of self will lead to the transformation of the other person. But before that transformation, we cannot help the other person.

So recognizing that habit energy, that tendency in our parents as a transmission, recognizing it as still existing in us, to become aware that if we don't practice, if we don't transform, we will behave like them, like they have done, and we will transmit the same kind of tendency, of habit to our children.

So that is the work of meditation, looking deeply, recognizing the habit energy. Everyone can be victims of transmission. And in the teaching of the Buddha, love is something unlimited. And as we practice true love, our compassion, our loving kindness will continue to grow and they will encompass everyone, including the one who has made us suffer.

Transformation is possible. And children helping parents transform, that is something that has happened all the time in the practice. We don't encourage the continuation of the same kind of behavior. In fact, we can help transform. And in order to help our parents transform, we have to transform ourselves.