According to the peace treaty practiced in Plum Village, whenever we become angry or suffer in a relationship, we must immediately tell the other person: “I suffer, and I need your help.” This agreement—best made in a calm, happy moment or even at marriage before the Sangha—guards against pride and blocks the escalation of suffering.

Thay illustrates this with the seventh-century tale of Mr. Trương and the Nam Xương lady. After years apart in war, a child’s misperception of his mother’s shadow as a nightly visitor filled the father with jealousy. Too proud to ask for clarification, both spouses remained silent, and the mother, humiliated and desperate, drowned herself. A single wrong perception, left unexamined, destroyed their happiness.

We are all vulnerable to “wrong perception.” To transform anger and avoid such tragedy, practice looking deeply into your suffering with the mantra Are you sure? and the vow:

“Darling, I suffer. Please help—explain why you have done or said that to me.”