Concerning my blood family, with whom we have experienced, and are still experiencing, very great difficulties, the question is essentially whether we can make peace with someone who does not want it. Knowing that this person is important because he is our father, who is paranoid, in the psychiatric sense of the word, [he has a] mental illness, who is consumed by hatred, anger, contempt for society, for others, and therefore, deeply, for himself, and who has created much difficulty, much suffering in my family. He is the one who created this, he is the one who destroyed everything, and we reestablished some contact but he decided to cut all ties, that was ten years ago. And so, we live very well without him. But I think we always keep a [...] knowing that he is a very lonely person, very unhappy, and that he is our father. And so, since we know that he does not want contact with us, and that we, we would like to [...] I think, for what he calls, but he does not wish to have contact.

So should we, and how can we, yes, open our heart to him and offer him our forgiveness? Thank you.

Dear Thay, dear Sangha, our friend has shared [...] her family situation, she shared that her father [...], and that he has caused a lot of suffering in the family, and that he cut off all contact ten years ago, and even though the children have decided to reconnect, he does not seem to want to be in contact with them. And so the question is, how can we make peace with someone who does not want it?

In the past, we tried to do something with him, with her, but we did not succeed. Perhaps it was because we did not choose the right approach. One thing is clear: when a person is suffering, they need someone by their side who has freshness, who has peace. We need that.

And this is the highest form of reconciliation. To say nothing, to ask nothing, not even for reconciliation. There is no need to speak, no need to say that reconciliation is necessary. If you have enough freshness, enough peace, then your presence by his or her side will be able to calm them. They seek to be near you, simply and naturally.

So the question is the quality of our presence. We need to equip ourselves with a pleasant, serene, refreshing, unconditional presence. Everyone needs this kind of presence. You do not ask for anything, you do not propose anything, you simply want to sit with him for a while.

And if you have this freshness, this peace in you, this compassion in you, of course they will feel it. Next to a peaceful person, we feel much better. Even if we are not a doctor, a nurse, or a therapist. So presence is very important. And we can arrange for such a presence to be possible. With a little skillfulness, we can arrange to have such a presence. A simple presence, without conditions.

Father, I want to spend a few minutes by your side. I need it. I have nothing to ask of you. And we can write a letter. If we cannot call, we can write a letter. Writing a letter is much easier. Because if we are not happy with the letter, we can rewrite it. And then we can also look for a friend who has easy access to your father, he or she can speak for you.

And this can give him or her a different image of you. Because he must have an image of you that he does not like. So, a person who can approach him can say things that will give him another image of you, an image closer to reality. So this is something that can be done as well.

We have a monk here who comes from Hanoi, the son of a communist official. And the fact that the young man became a monk made his father suffer a lot. He refused to speak to our young monk. And he never replied to a letter written by the young man. The young man is now a Dharma [teacher]. He has practiced well, very well.

And after having suffered because of this lack of contact and communication, Thầy suggested to him to write a letter. Not to make a phone call, but to write a letter. A true love letter. And he spent weeks meditating on the content of his letter, with the support of his brothers and sisters in the monastic community.

He wrote things like this. Father, I live in Plum Village, in Upper Hamlet. And from time to time, my brothers tell me that I have this virtue, that virtue, like discipline, diligence, things like that. And I did not really believe much in these virtues that I have. But they keep telling me that I have such virtues. And finally, I had to accept that I do have these virtues. And I wonder where these virtues come from. And I found the answer. It is from you, Father. It is from you that I have received these virtues and I feel very grateful to you.

And now, I have only one wish, Father. I wish to know about my ancestors. Because it is our ancestors who transmitted these virtues to you, and you to me. And I have a very deep need to know my ancestors. Can you tell me about our ancestors? If you cannot help me, who will help me, Father? A rather simple letter. He received a reply of about twenty pages. And communication was restored after just one letter.

So it is not many things that we need to do, just one thing, done well. A letter can transform everything. So do not lose courage. Spend a few weeks walking in mindfulness, breathing in mindfulness, consulting your friends; and perhaps you will write a letter like this to renew the connection, to help your father to change.

It is possible. Children can very well help their parents to change, to heal, to transform. There are children who have come to our retreats, who have transformed themselves and, when they returned home, with that freshness, that transformation, helped their parents to transform. Good luck.