Unhappiness begins with our own passions, jealousy, and anger, making it impossible to help ourselves, let alone help the other person. The key is to return to ourselves in order to take care of, to manage our sadness, our anger, our despair, so that suffering is lessened. Only when we are calm and fresh do we have the capacity to listen and look deeply to understand: what are the difficulties, the suffering, and the aspirations of the other person? For example, in the story of a husband who, six years after his wife passed away, found new love, which broke the connection between father and child: the eldest child secretly took the father’s passport and plane ticket, but the more force was used, the more distant the father became. The advice from Deer Park Monastery is to practice mindful breathing and walking meditation for three days to become fresh and open the heart, and then to sit down and talk with the father in the spirit of deep listening to understand before trying to persuade.

Buddhism teaches us to develop loving kindness through the Four Immeasurable Minds, each of which grows boundlessly through wisdom and practice:

• Maitri (Loving-kindness) – friendship, offering happiness
• Karuna (Compassion) – the ability to transform the suffering of the other person
• Mudita (Joy) – the joy of giving and receiving
• Upekkha (Equanimity) – non-discrimination, non-attachment, sharing both suffering and happiness as one family

Deep listening and loving speech, using the eyes of love and the ears of love to understand the roots, then gathering the collective insight of both sides, will renew the relationship, transforming a relationship of suffering into a refuge of happiness.