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Question and Answers
How Can I Nurture Love and Understanding in a Long-Distance Relationship?
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Questions and Answers
Questions and Answers
Thich Nhat Hanh
· January 3, 2002
· Plum Village, France
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My
heart
is
beating
really
fast.
I
am
now
in
a
beautiful
love
relationship
with
my
partner,
but
she
is
not
here
right
now.
She
is
in
Canada.
We
will
be
separated
for
maybe
five
months
before
we
can
meet
again.
And
we
talk
on
the
phone
and
we
are
experiencing
both
together
very
strong
desires
sometimes,
attachment
and
confusion
and
suffering.
And
also
we
nourish
very
much
our
joy
and
happiness
to
be
able
to
know
each
other
and
to
share
a
path
together.
I
would
like
to
receive
your
insight
about
how
can
we
best
transform
our
desires,
attachment,
so
together,
fear
and
confusion,
we
can
heal
ourselves
and
liberate
ourselves,
walking
together
in
our
relationship.
01:11:05
Long pause
When
we
love,
we
have
the
tendency
to
create
an
image
of
our
beloved
one.
And
the
object
of
our
love
is
more
that
image
we
created
than
the
real
person.
It
takes
us
several
years
in
order
to
to
modify,
to
correct
that
image
we
have
created
in
order
for
it
to
coincide
more
with
reality.
That's
universal.
And
those
of
us
who
have
had
the
experience
of
love
know
that.
That
in
the
beginning,
falling
in
love,
it
always
creates
a
beautiful
image
of
the
other
person.
And
if
you
have
the
opportunity
to
live
with
each
other
24
hours
a
day,
There's
a
lot.
And
that
is
not
easy.
If
you
meet
once
a
week
or
twice
a
week,
that
is
very
easy.
But
if
you
are
to
spend
24
hours
with
each
other
a
day,
that
may
become
quite
difficult.
Because
you
cannot
hide
yourself.
from
her
and
she
cannot
hide
herself
from
you.
With
all
your
beauties
and
weakness,
with
her
beauties
and
weakness
at
the
same
time.
You
are
made
of
elements
that
are
not
yourself.
Elements
that
you
like
and
elements
you
don't
like.
There's
a
lot
of
parents
elements
in
you,
ancestors
elements
in
you,
society
elements
in
you,
country
elements
in
you.
And
it's
nice
to
recognize
them
as
non-you
elements.
And
you
don't
have
to
feel
responsible
for
everything
within
yourself.
And
the
same
kind
of
practice
can
be
taken
up
when
you
look
at
her.
Look
at
her
not
as
a
separate
entity,
but
a
creation,
a
manifestation
of
many,
many
elements,
from
many,
many
elements.
To
be
able
to
see
her
parents,
her
ancestors,
her
culture,
her
society
in
her.
and
not
to
be
surprised
when
you
see
all
these
things
manifest.
So
both
of
you
have
to
practice
the
same,
to
be
aware.
That
is
the
practice
of
non-self.
Self
is
made
of
non-self
elements.
It's
very
important.
And
then
love
in
the
Buddhist
context
means
to
be
able
to
make
the
other
person
happy,
to
help
remove
the
pain
and
suffering
from
the
other
person.
Maitri
and
Karuna.
Maitri
means
to
offer
happiness.
Karuna
means
to
remove
pain.
Love
is
also
mudita,
means
joy.
If
there
is
no
joy
in
the
relationship,
it's
not
worth
it.
And
the
fourth
element
is
upeksha,
which
means
no
discrimination.
Not
only
between
you
and
her,
but
between
this
and
that.
Because
the
kind
of
love
that
is
still
smeared
with
discrimination,
it
cannot
bring
happiness.
And
Upeksha
made
it
possible
that
while
loving,
you
still
retain
your
freedom
and
you
can
help
retain
her
freedom.
To
love
does
not
mean
to
lock
the
other
person
in
a
prison,
the
prison
of
your
views,
your
need
and
so
on.
So
upeksha
means
to
love
in
such
a
way
that
you
can
retain
your
freedom
And
she
can
retain
her
freedom
also.
Because
without
freedom,
happiness
is
not
true,
is
not
possible.
So
the
four
ingredients
of
love
spoken
by
the
Buddha,
we
have
to
look
into
the
nature
of
our
love
to
see
whether
they
are
there
or
not.
Maitri,
karuna,
buddhita,
and
upeksha.
And
if
they
are
still
weak
and
they
have
to
practice
in
such
a
way,
practice
loving
in
such
a
way
that
they
can
grow
every
day.
Because
if
these
four
elements
can
grow
every
day,
suffering
will
diminish
and
happiness
will
increase.
It's
very
concrete.
In
the
teaching
of
the
Buddha,
self-love,
is
the
foundation
for
the
love
of
the
other
person.
So
in
order
to
really
love
her
and
make
her
happy,
you
must
make
sure
that
you
can
love
yourself
and
make
yourself
happy.
If
you
don't
know
how
to
take
care
of
yourself,
how
to
take
good
care
of
yourself,
and
to
offer
you
solidity,
freedom,
joy,
and
then
you
cannot
make
her
happy.
So
self-love
is
the
foundation
for
the
love
of
others.
This
is
a
real,
authentic
Buddha's
teaching.
Because
if
you
don't
have
it,
you
cannot
offer
it
to
anyone.
You
should
have
the
joy,
the
stability,
the
tolerance,
the
compassion.
the
happiness
in
order
to
offer
it
to
the
other
person.
And
that
is
why
bringing
into
your
person
all
these
elements
means
self-love.
And
self-love
means
self-understanding.
Self-love
is
not
possible
without
self-understanding.
The
understanding
of
self
is
the
foundation
for
love.
We
have
to
understand
our
suffering.
and
our
happiness,
the
cause
of
our
suffering
and
the
causes
of
our
happiness,
the
causes
of
our
difficulties,
the
causes
of
our
despair,
and
so
on.
So
self-understanding
is
the
basic
practice
in
order
to
have
self-love.
And
self-understanding
and
self-love
make
you
into
a
happy
person.
And
then
you
are
in
a
position
of
loving
and
sharing
your
happiness
with
the
other
person.
So
everything
comes
from
within
first.
If
you
don't
have
this
element,
you
can
destroy
the
other
person.
And
there
are
many
teachings
that
can
be
used
in
order
to
develop
these
four
elements
of
love
within
ourselves.
The
practice
of
mindfulness
makes
it
possible
for
you
to
recognize
your
strengths
and
your
weaknesses
in
every
moment
of
your
daily
life.
Everything
you
do
for
yourself,
for
the
sake
of
your
solidity,
freedom,
you
do
for
her
at
the
same
time.
When
you
make
a
step
with
solidity,
with
freedom,
you
make
it
for
her
at
the
same
time.
And
if
you
cannot
make
a
stable,
solid,
free
step
like
that,
you
have
not
much,
you
wouldn't
have
much
in
order
to
offer
to
her.
So
to
love
is
to
offer
happiness,
offer
the
transformation
and
healing.
And
if
you
know
how
to
recognize
your
anger,
your
doubt,
and
then
you
become
a
pleasant
person,
a
gift
for
your
beloved
one.
And
you
would
be
in
a
situation
to
help
her
to
overcome
her
afflictions
also.
Every
time
you
say,
think
of
something
that
is
not
positive,
you
are
doing
harm
to
yourself,
you
are
doing
harm
to
her.
And
anything
that
can
create
a
knot
in
the
other
person
can
be
a
seed
of
suffering
for
her.
And
that
is
why
the
practice
of
beginning
new
in
Plum
Village
is
very
important.
Every
week
you
sit
down
and
you
have
the
time
to
look.
You
ask
the
other
person,
darling,
during
the
last
week,
have
I
said
something
that
made
you
suffer?
Because
we
may
have
done
it
without
awareness.
Maybe
out
of
our
forgetfulness
we
have
said
it,
we
have
done
it,
but
it
has
created
a
knot,
a
mental,
an
internal
formation,
a
little
block,
a
little
work
of
suffering
in
her.
So
she
will
have
the
time
to
think
about
it.
And
she
has
the
duty
of
telling
you.
Because
if
she
is
afraid,
she
does
not
want
to
tell
it,
next
time
if
you
repeat
the
same
kind
of
mistake,
And
that
formation
of
suffering
in
her
will
grow
double
until
it
becomes
a
block.
And
at
that
time
it's
not
easy
anymore.
Suppose
during
a
reception
you
tell
friends
of
something
that
is
not
entirely
the
truth.
And
she
was
aware.
And
she
has
lost
some
of
the
esteem,
her
esteem
for
you
because
you
did
not
tell
the
whole
truth.
You
want
to
say
that
in
order
to
impress
your
friends.
But
you
didn't
think
about
it,
but
you
have
created
a
seed
of
disrespect
in
her.
Because
she
knew
that
you
were
not
telling
the
whole
truth.
You
were
exaggerating
or
something
like
that.
So
that
seed
of
disrespect
in
her,
although
very
small,
but
it
counts.
Because
next
time
you
may
do
it
again
and
you'll
grow.
That
is
why
she
has
the
duty
And
we
should
give
her
the
opportunity
to
say,
darling,
the
other
day
during
the
reception,
you
said
that.
Is
that
true
or
not?
I
have
the
impression
that
you
exaggerated.
And
then
you
have
an
opportunity
to
explain.
If
that
is
not
true,
and
then
you
tell
her
that
it's
not
an
exaggeration.
And
she
will
remove
that
disrespect
in
her.
It's
very
important.
And
if
it
is
true,
and
then
you
say
that,
I'm
sorry
darling,
next
time
I
will
not
do
it
again.
And
then
that
disrespect
is
also
removed.
It's
a
very
important
practice.
And
if
every
week
you
do
like
that,
the
practice
is
called
beginning
new.
Even
if
you
don't
have
big
problems,
where
you
are
safe.
Be
aware
of
the
forming
of
knots
of
suffering
in
the
other
person,
in
yourself.
So
you
listen
to
her,
she
listens
to
you.
And
make
sure
that
nothing
It's
left
out
without,
you
turn
every
stone
in
order
to
see
something
is
hidden
there.
It's
very
important
and
it's
very
easy
to
do
it.
It
is
a
pleasure
also
in
the
beginning.
If
you
don't
do
it,
then
when
there
come
big
blocks
of
suffering,
you
cannot
talk
to
each
other
anymore.
And
this
is
what
we
recommend
for
all
young
couples.
I
think
this
is
the
last
question
and
answer
for
today.
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