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The cake in the refrigerator: Methods to transform suffering and build happiness in the family
The “Peaceful Coexistence Agreement” is not just a document, but a path of practice that helps families and the sangha avoid anger, sorrow, and dissatisfaction through gentle dialogue and maintaining harmony. The agreement is a sacred vow before the Three Jewels and the sangha, and it requires a foundation in the Dharma and experience at Plum Village before being brought home. There is a simple practice called “the cake in the refrigerator” that helps to dissolve a heavy atmosphere: breathing in, we calm ourselves; breathing out, we smile gently; taking three deep breaths, and then uttering a mantra such as:
- “Mom, it seems there’s a cake in the refrigerator, Mom.”
- Or, depending on the situation, “burnt cake, steamed cake, rice cake.”
Such words open the door to sharing secrets; the mother responds, and the whole family goes out to the backyard to drink tea and eat cake in peace.
The process of recognizing and transforming delusive thoughts arises from understanding “perception” and “consciousness” in the six sense organs:
- eyes – form
- ears – sound
- nose – scent
- tongue – taste
- body – touch
- mind – objects of mind
When a sense organ comes into contact with its object, perception (feeling) arises; from perception, consciousness (awareness) arises. Consciousness can be mistaken, leading to delusive thoughts and suffering. Understanding these three steps helps us to practice “separating from inverted, delusive thinking,” ending tension and building happiness on the foundation of wisdom, forgiveness, goodwill, care, deep listening, and true understanding of ourselves and others.