Befriending Loneliness during the Holiday Season

Sister Jina: Well, I would look at my mind because it’s all happening in my mind; it has nothing to do with the people who are there. It’s my reaction to the situation that is making me feel this and not the situation itself. Other people in the room are very, very happy to be there. So by going back to myself and back to my breathing, what I’m doing is breaking the contact, if you like, with the suffering—the suffering of other people—and therefore not nourishing this feeling in me and making it bigger and bigger so I can come back to myself.

Since I have cut it off from the source, it will calm down. I will feel calmer. I can see the situation, and I can see that everybody is as they are because of causes and conditions. And I am as I am because of causes and conditions. Who am I to judge other people? What are their dreams? What are their hopes? What are their fears? So I think the issue is not the other people, it’s inside of me, and that’s good because I can do something about it.

Brother Phap Huu: Learn to be flexible. That’s a very good mindset to have, being flexible, learning to be open. There was only one time in my life I was allowed to go home for Christmas because I tore my ACL playing football with the Brothers and I had to do physiotherapy for a very extended amount of time, and the conditions were for me to be in Canada.

It was my first Christmas at home after around 12 years. And just like many friends, the holidays are the biggest family reunion. I’m going to show up, and I know there’s going to be meat; there’s going to be alcohol; there’s going to be karaoke—Vietnamese families love karaoke. I’m going to meet also a new generation of children that were born within my extended family. So I get to meet them for the first time.

I had some expectations and then I had some wish, whatever that may be, but I always remembered this line that I was taught as a monk: “When you go home, just learn to be a son, learn to be a brother, learn to be a sister, learn to be a loving family member, rather than learn to show up like, ‘I’m a monk, you need to adapt to me.'” Then it’s about me, me, me, and me.

I was very flexible with all the kids. It was when Wii, the Nintendo console, and GarageBand came out. It was a huge thing. In my precepts, I’m not supposed to play video games, but this was the only way I was going to connect to these 7, 12, 13, 15-year-olds, so I decided to dive right in. I’d help playing the guitar, for example. It was the most joyful time and it was the rarest time I was able to be an uncle for many of them.

Time flies, and as a monk, I don’t have so many opportunities to be home. Now some of them are in high school, but they always remember how flexible I was as a monk. They said how cool I was because I was able to blend in and be with them. They didn’t feel judged. They all knew what a monk is: we have to bow to him, be respectful, etc. I could have held that image, and then our connection would have been totally disconnected. But I was able to let go a little bit of myself, without losing myself.

I do have boundaries, and I think all of us can have boundaries for our happiness. If there is a discussion that is not nourishing, we can be skillful and excuse ourselves—but not in a manner that belittles the other folks, family members, or friends. It’s all about communication and body language. And what is very important is the mind—what Sister Jina talked about—how do we come back to ourselves, and are we judging that person so harshly, or do we just see them? That’s their capacity; that’s their limit. We don’t need to say that; we just see them for who they are and meet them there.

Jo Confino: One question I have is that Thay’s teaching is all about interbeing. In fact, he coined the phrase “interbeing,” which now is a very mainstream idea—that everything is interconnected, that you cannot look at anything in isolation from anything and everything else. So, it feels a bit bizarre—when you stand right back—to think that people feel lonely, that people feel isolated, when in fact they are part of this extraordinary web of life.

I’m just wondering whether there are daily practices, apart from what you’ve talked about — coming back to the breath, causes and conditions, appreciating the sunshine — so those are ways of connecting, but are there any other practices that Thay has developed or from the Buddha’s time that really help people to connect to this sense of everything, so that the loneliness would just, in a sense, dissipate.

Brother Phap Huu, is there an exercise or any practices that could support people?

Brother Phap Huu: One practice that is more formal, but is a very deep and profound practice in Buddhism, is: Touching the Earth. When we touch the earth, we humble ourselves. It’s a movement of bowing down—our forehead, our arms, our legs, our whole body is on the ground. It’s a very humbling action, because usually, as humans, we think we’re the best. We think we are the boss of everything.

This practice of Touching the Earth is a practice of humbling ourselves. There’s a meditation that we would recite before or during the action of Touching the Earth. Normally we join our palms, representing mind and body united. Then we bring it to our foreheads. There are two meanings. The first meaning is connected to the practice of roots. We know that our self cannot be by itself—it exists through our whole ancestry. In Vietnamese culture, we say our ancestors are kept on our head. So, by bringing our joined palms to our forehead is like inviting our blood and spiritual ancestors to be with us. 

Then down to heart level: we see the oneness of different lineages—the past coming into the present. Then we bow down and we open our hands to express our intention of being open. Our teacher has put together the practices of the Five Touchings of the Earth, as well as the Three Touchings of the Earth. The texts are very profound and very beautiful. It is connected to seeing us with the land, seeing us with our ancestors, seeing the beauty and the un-beauty. Seeing it all here and then making a vow in this present moment to transform for them, to be the change for the world.

So, that is one element. And of course, a more day-to-day practice that we can do, is walking meditation — really being connected to the sounds, the smells, the earth.

We also have the practice of tree-hugging, which may seem a bit weird in a public park. But, you know what, you’re alive and that tree is there. I have seen Brothers really practice tree-hugging. I remember when we went to the Sequoia forests in California, Thay invited all the monks and nuns—about 12 or 15 of us—to hug the tree in a circle. We just spent three deep in-breaths and out-breaths. And in that moment, I personally felt very little, and also as part of this magnificent cosmos. And I felt “Wow. Thank you.” Gratitude manifested, as well as connection, and roots. The tree is nourishing me, but I can also nourish the tree.

All of us can find something very simple to feel connected. When we eat, we usually take a moment to join our palms and offer gratitude. That is also a practice of feeling one with everything that is supporting us.